


Lost in the darkness

by Araglas



Series: Lost [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M, but we are coming closer, still pre-fenders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4852310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araglas/pseuds/Araglas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Danarius death, Fenris hides in his mansion</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost in the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Reader is rhe lovely pixievhenan (by the ways she also writes beatuful DA storys ;) )

Fenris hadn't left his hiding spot for five days, unless it was to use the bathroom or fetch a new bottle of wine, returning as soon as the deed was accomplished.

It was a room he never used before for obvious reasons. It was very small, only contained a trashy old bed, nothing more than perhaps a two centimetre thick mattress on the dusty floor, a little pillow with only a few feathers left and a thin blanked with some holes. Also the room contained a little coffer for belongings like clothes. It didn't even have a window. It was very obviously a slave’s bedroom, but somehow he felt safe here.

The Warrior appreciated the never ending darkness where he sat nearly motionless, knees tightened, surrounded by his arms, while his head rested on his knees. He had only drank three bottles of wine since he hid in this room, ate nothing and only brooded, just like his nickname suggested.

~

 

Six days ago he killed his former master Danarius after being betrayed by his very own sister. After the fight he was so angry, so hurt, so completely disillusioned, he even snapped at Hawke just because he was also a Mage and stormed out of the Hanged Man.

As always, Hawke had given him time and came again the next day to look after him. But this time Fenris was unable to calm down again. Still pent-up like a lightning bolt he started a heated fight, managed to anger the always calm leader enough to get the mage to shout at him. Some really ugly accusations were said and finally the Champion left. Fenris fled to the slave room to hide, so if other visitors would come, they wouldn't be able to find him. But since then, nobody bothered to visit him, which he partly was relieved about but also partly felt abandoned _._

_~_

_I think I finally destroyed his friendship_ he thought bitterly, fearing he was right. He valued his friendship with Garrett the most, but doubted he deserved it. Not after what happened _._

 _It was only a matter of time. I had wondered for quite some time now when he and the others would leave me. I still wonder how they have managed to bear my temper for so long... Maybe they just kept up with me because of my fighting skills..._ his thoughts were nearly as dark as the room, filled with self hating and self-doubt.

 

Fenris raised his head when he heard a sound downstairs. He tilted his head a bit to the left listening. After a moment he could identify steps coming towards his stairs.

_Strange, if it were Hawke he would have called my name by now... But for a burglar the steps are too purposeful..._

He shifted his weight uncomfortably because his sword wasn't with him in this room. _Why did I leave it by the fireplace? Calm down, I am deadly enough without it. And if I do not make a noise he or she will most definitely not find me..._

The steps were now upstairs on the same floor as his room. Now he could see light coming through the door slot and the slightly open gap. Fenris hadn't closed the door properly _..._

_Light... no bulgar then, it is to bright. Boots, no elf then either._

When the light came closer and got brighter he noticed that it didn't flicker, a bit later he felt an uncomfortable buzz in his markings.

 _Mage..._ He shivered. _Danarius is dead, I killed him..._ Even with knowing this he couldn't stop the fear in his heart.

The steps were right in front of the door, then they slowly went further till the light vanished as the source was out of reach.

 _What mage other then Hawke or Danarius would come here?_ He wondered. He only knew Merrill and Anders. Definitely not Merrill since she would be barefoot. But why would Anders pay him a visit?

The light and the steps came back and stopped before the door.

Fenris held his breath, waiting, hoping the person would just leave. He just wasn't in the mood to fight...

But his silent prayers weren't heard and the door fully opened. The Elf needed to look away because the direct light was way to bright for his accostomed to darkness eyes. Suddenly the light got much darker although still present. Fenris looked back to the door again and found... yes actually Anders... and a little glowing bubble right beside him.

"Why..." he cleared his throat, because his voice rasped since he hadn’t used it for days. "Why are you here?"

The other eyed him, concern painted on his face when he saw the state of Fenris appearance. Then he looked through the little room, frowning. With two steps Anders was in front of the elf, gracefully he sat down cross-legged. He brought a bottle of wine with him and left the bottle at Fenris side. "I thought you might need someone who would listen..."

 

~

 

Five days ago

 

It was pure coincidence Anders was at the Hanged Man when Hawke arrived.

 

It was astonishing, the only thing that gave away that the day before something terrible had happen was that some furnishing were missing, but everything else looked exactly the same than before the big fight against Danarius. The bodies had vanished, the blood dried up with the dust, the usual guests at their usual places... Anders felt like he was the only one in the tavern who was still shaken from the fight...

He was only back at this place so soon after because he made new health potions for Varric and had to deliver them.

Just when he wanted to leave, he saw Hawke entering going straight to the bar and ordering not one, but three beers and one whiskey. His hands were shaking like Anders had never seen before.

He and Varric exchanged glances. Hawke hadn't even seen them...

"Corf take them in my room, yes?" Varric made his way to their leader, "Come Hawke, lets go somewhere more private..." He reached out after the other, but the Mage shyed away. Both glanced at each other in surprise, and then Hawke nodded and followed Varric into his room where Anders already stood in front of the fireplace.

 

Hawke, his hands still shaking, sat down on one of the chairs before the big table they usually played cards on.

"Sooo... what happened?" Varric's voice, calm and steady.

Hawke shook his head and waited till he got his beers and the whiskey. First he drank the whiskey, then with only two deep gulps he also emptied his first beer. Now he seemed to be willing to speak.

"I was at Fenris mansion" even his voice shook slightly.

Again Anders and Varric exchanged a look, while Hawke was staring into the second mug of beer.

"He... _don't_ go there!" suddenly his voice was deep with anger and hurt. He looked up and his dark eyes spoke of deep pain. "He just got mad! Screaming and biting like a rabid dog! He even... said..." he stopped, shaking is head again before he emptied the next mug. When the bearded man drank the last one, his hands finally stopped shaking. The Champion made a face so Varric ordered more beer for him.

After his fifth he seemed tipsy but finally stable.

"So what did he say?"

Hawke paused, staring at Varric. "He... dared... to say...", again he shook his had, not believing what his companion, his _friend_ he thought, had said to him. Hawke cleared his voice "He told me ... my mother deserved to... _die_...at the hand of a mage... because she was stupid enough to... trust mages..." He looked like he might cry soon, but he didn't.

"What????" yelled Anders and Varric simoultainsly in shock and disbelief, their voices echoing slightly in the room

"Yes! You heard right! I can't take it anymore! If he wants it so badly, he can rot in his filthy mansion together with his lovely corpses! I don't need that poisonous attitude anymore. And I recommend you to stay away from him too!" The Champion looked directly at Varric, but it was clear that he meant all of his companions (which would hear about the order soon enough through the rogue.) Hawke didn't emphesise this to Anders because he didn't think he needed to, it was Anders after all.

"Do... you want to cut him out completely? Forever?" Anders was unsure how he should feel. He felt so angry on Hawke's behalf, but leaving one of their group of misfits behind?

"Yes!!" Hawke answered with vigor, only to crumble a moment later, "I mean... I..." He ran his hand over his face. "I will not forgive him that easily as I have before... If he really wants to be a part of us, he needs to come and apologize on his own. If not, then I will not try to change his mind... because he is not even worth the effort!... And if he does apolozie it had better be one hell of a apology!"

 

Anders nodded in understanding.

"Excuse me please, I need to go back to my clinic. I'm so sorry, Hawke. And I hope you feel better soon. If you need something for a hangover feel free to see me" he smiled sadly, then exchanged one more glance with Varric, pleading nonverbally to please keep a eye on the other mage. Then he finally left.

 

~

 

It took Anders three days till he was able to calm down his anger on Hawke's behalf, remembering Fenris' face in the Hanged Man. Eyes full of hope and wonder, when he saw his sister, to finally remember something of his past... Just to be crushed with deep, deep fear. A sight worthy of nightmares. A sight Anders knew so well. During the fight he was unable to pay much attention to Fenris face. But later, when the Warrior crushed Danarius heart, he could see it light up because Fenris got his revenge. And then a deep darkness overshadowed everything. If it hadn't been for Hawke, Fenris would have killed Varania.

Her last words seemed to break something in the elven warrior, causing him to snap at Hawke and flee the Tavern.

Anders could only imagine what the whole encounter had done to Fenris.

Sometime later, Anders remembered how he had hidden in his clinic after he had nearly killed one of his own kind and how Fenris of all possible people was the only one to bring him back again. Still Anders hesitated to override Hawke's request to leave the Warrior alone.

 

~

 

But today was the day he felt the urge to seek out Fenris, to offer him what Fenris had given him so selflessly over three years ago. The will to listen to him and to open up.

So now he was sitting right in front of Fenris, playing with the end of his robes as he tried to remain silent. Waiting for Fenris to speak. Willing to sit here the whole evening, the whole night... for as long as it would take. And if he need to be quiet the whole time, then by the Maker he would!

 

Nearly ten minutes had passed and Anders already was on edge. Although he had a light source, company, his magic and _knew_ he could just leave this place when ever he liked, he felt like he was in solitary again.

His cell had surely been as small as this room was; except that it had a little hole in the wall. To high and to small to see something from the outside, but it provided the sightliest source of light in daytime and because of the hole, it was always cold. Sometimes Anders had wondered how he hadn’t just frozen to death.

At least this room was warm. Anders shifted his weight, watching Fenris who let his forehead rest on his knees so the mage could only see his white hair and pointy ears. He averted his gaze, staring at his hands, which were still playing with the robe.

Another five minutes passed and Anders changed his sitting position so he could see the still open door. He felt his breath ease since he didn't feel as trapped as a minute before anymore.

Still being quiet was really not his strong suit...

 

"If you feel uncomfortable just go", the elf growled in a hoarse voice, still not moving.

Anders nearly jumped because he had forgotten about Fenris, felt like he was only a statue. "No, no. Everything is alright" he smiled despite Fenris not seeing it, just because it was his defense mechanism.

 

Again silence fell between them, another fifteen minutes passed and Anders was considering leaving... Or throwing a fireball just because he could. Or maybe speaking with himself, just as he did during his time in solitary...

 _I wish I had a cat_... he thought.

His gaze lingered at the door. _I could just go. They need me in the clinic... Or I could go to the Hanged Man and see Varric... Or..._

His thoughts got interrupted when he heard the elf shift a bit. His gaze moved to the elf, breathing hitched as he waited and hoped the warrior was ready to break his silence... but nothing came.

The Mage let out a breath. _He came for me..._ Anders remembered. _He came and said, he would come again if I sent him away... we are not friends but he offered it, he cared... no I can't leave him..._

His gaze wandered to the forgotten wine bottle. He reached out and took it. With a bit of a struggle he opened it and pushed it carefully in Fenris hand, startling him.

Instinctively Fenris’ hand closed around the bottle, while he raised his head fast, glaring at Anders, his markings springing to life without thinking.

Anders, despite awaiting a reaction like that, sat and stared back like a rabbit before a snake.

Those scared honey eyes touched something deep inside the Warrior. He breathed deeply in an effort to calm himself. His gaze wandered to the bottle. Mindlessly he tried to read the label, but he couldn't.

Years ago Hawke had started to teach him to read but as time went on and the time between the lessons grew wider and wider…they stopped. Not long after Hawke became Champion. _He will never teach me again..._ pushing away the sad thought, he took a sip then another, frowning.

"Uh... don't you like the taste? I know it's nothing fancy... I just thought..."

"It is not that. The wine is sufficient. It is... an antivian red?" he said thoughtfully, taking another sip. It was full and a bit to sweet for his liking but there was something in its spice he really liked.

"Yes, it's from Antiva", he smiled and tried not to fall into his usual babbling. When silence fell again, Anders flinched.

 

Finally, after few minutes passed, Fenris decided to break his silence, mostly because he was annoyed at Anders' shifting and fidgeting.

"How... is Hawke?" he asked without looking at the Mage as he fidgeted with the bottle.

"He is fine, I think. We hadn't worked together since the fight in the Hanged Man." After a little pause he continued, "He will forgive you."

Fenris glared at him. "What do you know?"

Anders shifted uncomfortable and glanced away. "I saw him at the Hanged Man not long after he came here. He was pretty shaken, you know. And he told us, I mean Varric and me, what you said about his mother...."

Fenris closed his eyes and then he dropped his forehead on his knees again.

The Mage sighed. Fenris looked so small and broken, he felt the urge to hug him but Anders knew that the elf didn't like to be touched. Especially not by him.

"I know you didn't mean it and I think Hawke knows it too" he said softly.

"That is not true" he disagreed, "I meant it. Not exactly like I said it, she did in fact not _deserve_ it. But she should have seen it coming" his voice sounded hollow.

 

Anders bristled "Not all mages...."

Fenris raised his head again "It does not take _all_ mages!" he interrupted. "It only takes one who thinks he is above all, who thinks just because he _can_ do it, he has the _right_ to do it!" He slowly uncurled himself, fixing Anders eyes, "It does not take _all_ mages, but all mages have the power and they only need the right reasons to do wrong!" He rose on his feet.

 

Anders followed so Fenris would be unable stare down at him. Anger raced through him, but also hurt.

 

"He created a monster because he wanted the woman he _loved_ back! You took _pity_ with that _thing_ and made yourself a monster!" He shoved his hands before Anders face and lit his markings again. "My master wanted a _weapon_ , so he turned _me_ into a monster! Just because he _could_!"

 

There were so many things going through Anders mind at that moment. He was simply stunned.

 

He wanted to scream at Fenris, wanted to tell him he was wrong....but mostly he wanted to scream because Anders knew deep down that he was right.

What Anders wanted to say was that neither he nor Fenris were monsters. He wanted to say that Mages were people just like the elf was, most mages wouldn’t even consider doing any of the things Fenris had mentioned.

He wanted to tell Fenris that he was a bloody hypocrite because Fenris had wanted his markings, he fought for them, killed for them...He was no different than what he was accusing Anders of being.

 

Yet all he said was: "He is not your master anymore."

 

Fenris stared at Anders, his sudden rage vanished just as suddenly as it had come. It left him shaking, empty and confused. He let himself fall at the floor again and pulled his legs close, covering them with his arms, his right hand still holding the wine bottle while he rested his forehead at his knees.

Anders watched him with pity, feeling also empty. He idly wondered why Justice was so quiet and why he wasn't angry anymore, only hurt. The mage sat down next to Fenris. Again silence hung between them and Anders tried to get comfortable. He still wanted to help the elf and so he waited.

 

Half a hour later they still sat there, Anders petting his feathers and trying to keep his mind occupied whilst the elf once again morphed into a motionless statue. The mage wondered if that was a slave thing or just a Fenris thing.

Fenris rolled his head a bit to the side so he could watch Anders with one eye. He could clearly see that the other didn't feel comfortable with this situation and he assumed it was because of his time in solitude. He remembered him saying that he used to speak with himself or with the cat that visited him to remain sane.

 _He hates the silence, so why does he maintain it?_ "You are still here."

Anders winced because of the sudden voice and faced Fenris. "Yes."

"And you are quiet."

"Seems so."

"Why?"

"Why I'm here or why I'm quiet?"

"Both."

 

Anders moved a bit, so that he could better watch Fenris.

"You aren't the only person who can be observant, you know? I know you dislike it when I'm noisy and since I'm not here to argue I will do anything to not anger you." He smiled kindly.

 

Fenris rested his chin on his knees so he could also watch Anders.

 

"And I'm still here because it's right." He got a questioned glance and he chuckled softly, before he looked thoughtfully into the distance. "Three years ago you rescued me in those dungeons and proved you knew me by your actions." the mage explained, remembering how warm he felt when he realised that Fenris knew about his fears and instead of using them against him, he reassured him.

"Months later, I was near to giving up. Hiding in my clinic depressed, anxious and full of self-doubt. But you came, you stayed and you shared. _You_ , of all people, were the only one who understood what I was going through and I believe you cared" he laughed quietly at his thought. After that for a few weeks Fenris even stopped his rants against mages.

"And don't think I will ever forget how you rescued me from all those nobles." now he laughed openly. Anders could still see those lustful glances of the crowd and his dark knight right before his eyes.

And the dancing! Some nights he still lay wide awake and thought about it, thought about Fenris’ strong arms around him, thought of the softened expression on Fenris face or how he managed to lead him safe through the other dancers. Some nights those thoughts merged with the memory of Fenris’ body pressed against his in the dungeons. Those were nights when he couldn't stop his hand from wandering south his body...

 

"Mage you are glowing"

The irritated snarl from the elf startled Anders

"What? No!" he glanced at his hands, looking to see if they had cracked and were glowing, but they were not.

"Not your demon. Your... face?" Fenris stared at the face of the mage. It wasn't literally glowing but he smiled as brightly like the sun. Fenris could only think that the mage was smiling at him, since they were the only two people there... but that couldnt be. That kind of smile was not meant for an elf.

"What?" he touched his face, then frowned. "I just smiled..."

"Why?"

 

Anders blushed. "Uh..." he briefly considered lying, but then again, why should he? "Just thinking of you as the knight in shining armour Isabela mentioned" ok maybe a little bit of a lie.

"Would still be a knight who never fought a battle. Not likely to rescue anyone..."

"Then maybe a knight in a rusty amour?"

"Then he would not pay enough attention to his amour and would most likely die with one blow."

"I don’t think you quite get it." He glanced at the Elf, shaking his head. "Anyways, I just wanted to say that you were there when I needed you, and now I'm here and hope you can allow me be here for you." He smiled hopefully.

 

Fenris sat there, still with his chin on his knees, considering the offer. Then he sighed, looking away. He remained silent for some time, before he finally spoke.

"When I contacted my... Varania", he couldn't bring himself to call her _sister_ , not after what happened, "I hoped I would finally get my past back, would find my roots and maybe build a future... But I was such a fool! She led _him_ here. Sold me out like a dog. Her own blood! Because she wanted to become a _magister_." He spat out, slightly shivering.

His very own sister a _mage_! _All the same_ , he thought bitterly. "I am alone. No family, no past to acquire back. Just the fact that I wanted those devilish markings! That I competed for them and most likely killed fellow slaves for them!"

"Just to be clear, _I_ don't think like that. But maybe she didn't consider you her brother any longer. She seemed very bitter you set her and your mother free. Maybe she thought you long lost, dead for her. Maybe she even hated you because she seems to dislike her freedom." Anders could see how Fenris shoulders quivered and hoped he wouldn't cry.

He wanted to hug Fenris so badly.

"If that was what she thought, she is not worthy of your grief! You didn't want the markings, Fenris. You wanted your family to be free and you sacrificed yourself, your body, your mind for them to be so! You were unbelievably brave and selfless... don't believe for one second that you were anything less than that! I would love you if you were my brother and I would never have betrayed you!"

 

He turned to Anders, blinking owlishly. "What?"

 

Anders blushed again. "Would I have been in her place, I wouldn't have been so ungrateful. That was what I meant."

 

Fenris turned his head slightly to the side, then shaking his head. "I think Varania is right. Freedom is no boon."

"It is. You simply need to get used to it. I mean you have only truly been free for six days."

The elf gave a huffing noise. "But... how? What now? I am free, but I have nothing. Not even a family and I think I lost my best friend..."

 

This time the Mage couldn't keep himself from reaching out. Softly he placed his hand on Fenris’ shoulder. "You didn't lose him, not yet. You can still go and make this right! And whilst Varania was not the family you hoped for, you can still find a new one. To be honest, I think you _already_ have.

None of us have much family left. Hawke lost his family, or most of it anyways, Merrill was cast out of her clan, I don't know anything about Varric's parents, but his brother went insane, Sebastian's whole family is dead. Ok I have no idea if Aveline has someone back in Ferelden but I don't think so and Isabela's past is a mystery... And I'm just a noisy apostate... So you fit in nicely." He smiled softly at those big green eyes looking at him with a lost gaze.

"You’ll figure it out, how to be free. Nobody said it would be easy. As a free man, nobody can tell you what you do. Everything is your own decision, as good or as bad as it might turn out. And what would life be without some mistakes?"

 

Fenris sighed but finally released some of tension from his muscles. He even didn't mind for Anders touching him. The elf attempted a little smile. "I... thank you"

 

The mage felt like something crushed his heart when he saw that sad smile and the spark of hope.

_He is so abolutly adorable!_

The memory of Fenris pressed against him came back with the force of a hammer blow, followed by the uncontrollable urge to be closer to him. "You aren't alone" Anders mumbled under his breath.

Without thinking the mage leaned forward and pressed their lips together, only for the briefest of moments, licking over the elfs bottom lip fleetingly, before leaning back again. Fenris tasted like the wine he’d been drinking, strong and a little dry, but not unpleasant

_Bad, bad timing!_

Anders stumbled on his knees and pushed himself up to stand. "I'm sorry! So, so sorry ! I shouldn't have done that." he fled the room, quickly walking backwards, eyes pleading for forgiveness, before he turned at his heels opened the door, leaving a startled elf behind.

_What just happened?_ Fenris asked himself, not sure what he should think.

**Author's Note:**

> For all my reader who might think leaving comments/kudos on my storys would be weird/creepy/stalking be assured it is not but really appreciated! I love to know if you liked what I write and also if you find errors you want to tell me, just do :3 Every comment/kudo is awesome!


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